by Annika Murray
I don’t like the terminology, “unwanted” pregnancy. An unplanned or unexpected pregnancy is totally different from an unwanted one. I can’t say that I planned all my pregnancies, but I certainly know that I wanted each one. I’m enjoying Avary’s beautiful smile and exciting giggles. We didn’t “plan” to conceive her, but I am so glad we did. After the birth of my fourth child, Ayden, we were convinced that our family was complete. We had 2 girls and 2 boys. It was a perfect scenario. Ariana had a best friend in Alana. They are sewn at the hip, just 16 months apart in age. Then Alston had a companion, his little brother Ayden. The girls comfortably shared a bedroom, with their sitting room turned playroom. The boys enjoyed just being boys in their own turf.
Then all of that changed in the fall of 2008. Ayden was just 10 months old. I recall riding home from church in mid-September and I mentioned to my husband how I had been feeling. He looked at me and asked, “You aren’t pregnant, are you?”
"Well, I don’t know, maybe.”
Now for someone who had already been pregnant four times, I was well aware of what it was like. Now let me pause for a minute and give thanks that I have had great, uneventful pregnancies. Thank God! I did not experience morning sickness, bed rest nor any serious complications and all of my kids were delivered full term. I was pretty much able to function at normal capacity aside from the weight gain.
Anyway, I just felt pregnant! We were not expecting Avary and were taking precautionary measures. So the birth of another child was not in the plan. We were done! After an at home pregnancy test confirmed it, the only thing we could do was laugh. All I know is that God’s plans are greater than ours and His will can override the will and decision of men. I know that every life has a purpose and each day, looking into Avary’s eyes remind me of that fact.
It amazes me that people constantly debate the issue of life. I am unashamedly Pro-Life. But for me it is not just some political stance. In my heart, I have experienced true joy and peace from the life giver. My hope is that all persons can have the chance to experience a life full of purpose and hope as well.
Annika shares the chaos, the challenge and some of the cherished memories of raising a family of five.
December 09 2009 | Motherhood & Family Life and Power Boost: December 2009 | No Comments »
By Karyn L. Beach
We’ve all heard that it is more blessed to give than to receive. But we live in a world where many are ruled by their wants and desires. When that adage comes up people think, “Yeah right, I’d much rather receive a flat-screen plasma television set than to give one away.” But there is some truth to this. There is a lot of truth to this.
Back in September, I lost my day job. It was completely unexpected. While I didn’t miss the job itself, I did miss my co-workers and I missed my paycheck. I get unemployment but it is not nearly as much as I had been making. Plus, I bought my first-house last year.
The first few weeks were fine but then the fear, the frustration and the anxiety set in. Add to that the admonishments from both friends and family that I, as a life coach, I should be beyond feelings of fear, frustration and anxiety.
But I pride myself on being honest and, honestly, I was scared and I felt like a fraud for being scared. Maybe they were right. If I were any kind of coach wouldn’t I be able to snap my fingers and banish these emotions in an instant? Shouldn’t I be able to be 100% positive all the time?
To make matters worse, I was alone. I live alone and that’s fine but with no job to go to, I was alone all day every day, all day. It was maddening. It was like being in solitary confinement. I had full days to dwell on my problems, my situation and myself. I would spend days operating on little to no sleep. I knew I needed to do something but I wasn’t sure what.
I reached out to a friend and she suggested that I find volunteer. It would get me out of the house and, if I found an organization that was a good fit, it would give me an opportunity to use some of my skills. “You can’t let your talents go to waste sitting at home,” she reasoned.
I didn’t hesitate. That night, I went online to Volunteer Match and I did a search on local non-profits. Jacob’s Ladder, a local job readiness training program, came up. It sounded perfect. I called the next day. I met with them later that week and started volunteering that next Monday.
I’ve been able to use my training expertise, my life coaching skills and what I know about job searching and interviewing. I have helped people with applications, resumes, getting professional clothes and interviewing. I have been able to help the students in the class become more proactive, develop workable goals and see things from a variety of different perspectives.
I have been giving of myself, my skills and my talents. It is, and continues to be, an amazing experience. While I have been giving, I’ve been receiving so much more. My outlook immediately improved. I began sleeping again. For the first time in weeks, I felt like myself again.
I also came to realize that feeling those feelings doesn’t make me any of a less effective coach. It makes me human. And now, I even believe that these kinds of experiences might even make me a better coach. I was down; but I didn’t stay there. I found a way to get up and I know that I can help others do the same.
However, my turn around started when I started to give.
December 09 2009 | Other Useful Articles and P3 Circles of Life and Power Boost: December 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
by Kristie Leong M.D.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year and also the most stressful. The holidays may be full of cheer, but they can take a toll on your stress level and your health. From the pressures of shopping to visiting relatives there doesn’t seem to be a free moment. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a stress free holiday season for once? Here are some tips to reduce stress during the holidays this year.
Have a stress free holiday: Avoid shopping stress
It’s important not to forget the reason for the season. Instead of concentrating on the retail aspects of the season, remember why holidays are celebrated in the first place. Make it easier on yourself. Instead of buying expensive presents for everyone you know, donate money to a deserving charity instead. No one will mind if you tell them you’re donating to a good cause this year instead of giving gifts. If you feel compelled to offer presents to certain people, give a gift certificate instead. This will lighten your holiday shopping load and eliminate the time you previously spent choosing, buying, and wrapping gifts. Of course, if you have small children, you’ll want to shop for them but, otherwise, scale back to reduce shopping stress during the holidays.
Have a stress free holiday: Spend less time in the kitchen
This is another way people stress themselves out during the holidays. They feel the need to prepare elaborate holiday meals for friends and family. This is not only stressful but expensive. Why not do it differently this year and eat out on Christmas Eve or Christmas day? Many hotels offer Christmas buffets where you can have a variety of food choices without having to deal with preparation and clean up. Although some of these buffets can be expensive, consider how much you’d be spending to cook at home and it won’t sound like such a bad deal. Imagine how relaxing it will be to enjoy a buffet and sip a cup of hot coffee while listening to Christmas music.
Have a stress free holiday: Don’t over commit yourself
The holidays are a time for Christmas parties and celebrations, but too many parties can cause unnecessary stress. A lot of preparation can go into attending a party even if you’re not the one giving it. This is particularly true for women who have to select an appropriate outfit, accessorize it, and go through the motions of doing make-up and hair. To reduce stress, choose one of two parties to attend during the holidays and gracefully bow out of the rest. No one will think less of you for it.
Have a stress free holiday: Take time out for yourself
To reduce stress during the holiday season, make time for pampering yourself in small ways. Enjoy a warm, fragrant bubble bath or a long walk in the outdoors. Breathe deeply and enjoy the sweet smells of nature. It’s important to have an outlet to help you unwind during the holiday season.
Holiday celebrations don’t have to be hectic and chaotic unless you allow them to be. Learn to reduce stress and enjoy the holidays for what they were meant to be, a time to express love and appreciation for friends and family.
December 09 2009 | Expert Coaching / Interviews and Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: December 2009 | No Comments »
By Rev. Diannia Baty
You can only attract the people, things, and events that match the quality and intensity of your beliefs about yourself. That’s why being gentle with yourself is a pre-requisite for conscious creators. You can visualize and affirm all you want, but if in your heart you aren’t worthy, you aren’t receiving.
If you want to let the good stuff in, stop beating yourself up no matter what.
Criticizing yourself, beating yourself up, feeling sorry for yourself, and being disappointed in your own behavior is not virtuous, honorable, or productive in any way. If you do it on a regular basis, you’ve been taught to believe that negative feedback is an effective way to motivate change.
That kind of thinking was taught to you by those who didn’t know any better than to make you feel worse so they could feel better. They did their job well because you sub-consciously believe that if you can make yourself feel bad enough, you’ll do better.
Fortunately, that’s not how it works. Negative feedback creates avoidance behavior, not inspired behavior. Otherwise, the only way we can be successful is by not making ourselves miserable!
Self criticism is a primal form of invalidation, and humans need validation at the most primal level in order to thrive. Decision making, creative thinking, intuition, and higher comprehension are most efficient when the self feels good about itself.
Getting upset with yourself has devastating effects on your self esteem. it creates enormous resentment, resistance, frustration, and jealousy that causes you to
sabotage your own best efforts. It fills you with stress hormones and inhibits your creativity. It sucks the energy right out of you and it feels bad. Self criticism is self defeating.
Biologically, criticism sends a danger signal to your nervous system that puts you into “fight or flight” mode just as effectively as a bear chasing you through the woods. While the situation with the bear will resolve itself rather quickly, emotional stress and trauma goes on and on.
During “flight or flight” mode, your body slows down cellular growth and repair, digestive and immunity functions, and higher cognitive processes in order to give priority to the mid-brain, glands, and muscles that help you run faster and climb higher to escape
the bear. No wonder our shoulders hurt and our legs are restless when we can’t climb a tree to escape the danger!
Self criticism actually makes you sick. You can’t focus, relax, digest, sleep, or shift your energy as well as you can as when you feel good about yourself. That’s why choosing to feel good about yourself, no matter what, is the most important Practice you can undertake. It also requires the most courage!
A Brief Criticism of Criticism
Authority figures love to use criticism to disarm their enemies and control people. Whoever the authorities are for you, if you criticize yourself, you have learned to
do the work for them. Your energy, enthusiasm, attractiveness, joyfulness, intelligence, sensuality, sense of humor— whatever—is no longer a threat to them because they have conditioned you to need them to tell you if you are worthy or not. They pulled your plug, and most of the good stuff you do manage to attract goes down the drain because you don’t believe you have suffered or sacrificed enough to deserve it.
But take heart. If you beat yourself up for any reason, if you criticize and second guess yourself to the point of distraction, if you are depressed because things aren’t working out for you, it’s ok. It’s not your fault.
None of it is your fault. Start concentrating on all your good qualities. There are more of them than you realize. They are just buried under all yourself doubt.
If you want to make a real and lasting change in how you feel, you’ve got to turn off the self criticism and pity and choose to be gentle with yourself. And every time you do it you will be one step closer to matching the energy of your desires and attracting what you want.
This one change in your behavior, practiced consistently, will make the biggest improvement in the quality of your life-hands down, forward and backward, inside and out. I can’t say it enough!
You must be able to validate yourself if you want to thrive in a physical reality where people and things are constantly changing. Needing others to validate you is exhausting and it never works for very long.
You have to see yourself as worthy of what you want, by virtue of who you are, before you can have what you want. It is also self defeating to need validation from someone that you know will never give it. If you go to someone who puts you down and criticizes you every time you share something with them, then you just handed them the stick to beat you up again. I guess your arm is getting tired.
You may not realize it but airplanes are usually off course throughout their flights, yet they land at the right airport because the pilot (or auto-pilot) constantly corrects for drift. That’s what you have to shoot for—correcting your drift when your emotions tell you that you are off course so that you can land in an “I AM feeling good” airport.
When you are trying hard but miss the mark, remember that professional baseball players miss the ball most of the time, not to mention that great golfers usually hit above par. It’s the cumulative effect that pays dividends. You have to keep at it.
If, for example, you criticize yourself for smoking again after quitting five times, you will continue to repeat that pattern. But if you celebrate your good intentions and continue to believe that eventually you will quit for good, you will. If you give yourself permission to believe in yourself, even if you haven’t changed your behavior yet, you will stop beating yourself up as often.
Just this tiny bit of emotional relief, enjoyed every time you choose to land at the “I AM feeling good” airport instead of kicking yourself in the head, will build your self esteem and increase your chances to voluntarily and enthusiastically-change your behavior. Most importantly,you will expand your capacity for change.
Whoever taught you to feel bad about yourself, what they did to you and why they did it, isn’t important anymore. It was just who they were being, not who they are, so let it go and grab hold of the most important gift you can give yourself. Your life unfolds from that place inside you that either says you are worthy or you are not. “I AM Worthy” says you are letting the good stuff in, “I AM Not Worthy” says you are resisting and keeping the good stuff out.
Focus causes expansion. So focus on the fact that your Higher Self does not judge you. It is a part of you and wants you to have whatever you could possibly desire. So think of this Practice as a “get out of jail free” card.
You deserve it by virtue of who you are. Who you are being is temporary in every moment and can change as quickly as you allow it. Who you are, a part of God, never changes. Who you are being changes according to your beliefs about
yourself. Remembering this distinction is especially important when you want to be free of self-destructive behavior or addictions.
Another Thing
Wallowing in self pity can feel pretty good for a while, especially if it keeps you from having to get out there and face people. Pity parties and cluster dramas can feel like validation if others get upset with you. However, if you can work through your pain by sharing and ventilating and moving toward a constructive plan of action, more power to you!
But if cluster dramas are on your list of favorite things to do, you won’t be able to make real and lasting changes in how you feel until you break your dependency on the sympathetic energy of others. The good news is that if you aren’t beating yourself up, you won’t need their sympathy.
When you remember who you are, you know that enlightened and evolved people never sacrifice your self esteem to strengthen their own position. If someone tries to control you through complaints and criticism, remember it’s just who they are being, not who they are, and get on with your day.
Some Tips
When you start to feel bad because you…fell off the wagon, missed a deadline, forgot a meeting, didn’t exercise, said something stupid, hurt someone’s feelings, ran over a squirrel, didn’t get invited to something, spent too much money, ate fried food, or someone spat in your face—refuse to think one bad thing about yourself for any reason, no matter what you did or didn’t do.
When you calm down a bit, think about something that makes you happy for example, a good book, a pretty landscape, your grandchildren, your upcoming vacation or your best friend. If that bad feeling comes up again, stop it. Keep thinking about things that make you feel better. Over and over again, for as long as it takes.
This sounds simple but it can be really tough at first. Your old “beat yourself up” habits will surface a number of times. Just let that be OK too! The trick is not to criticize yourself about anything!!
If it seems impossible, try this until you get the feel for feeling better. Say to yourself, I am going to feel bad for one minute (or five if it’s really intense, but no longer).
After the moment of self punishment, sit down and write yourself a note about what you can do differently next time. What you are going for here is supportive, positive self coaching. Do not write about what you did wrong or how sorry you feel. None of that makes any difference because it’s over. What somebody else thinks about it doesn’t make any difference either because it’s over. They’ve probably forgotten about it by
now anyway and have gone back to dwelling on their own problems.
Write down straightforward information about what you can do differently next time. If you are worried whether or not you will do anything different next time or even convinced that you won’t, let it go. It doesn’t matter if you will or you won’t. You are just trying to diffuse the energetic connection between what happened and how you feel about yourself right now.
If there’s nothing you can do differently next time, then write about your favorite video game or something funny your friend said on the phone last night. Or write about your first kiss, or what it would feel like to win the lottery.
The point is to stop invaliding yourself and start feeling better. That’s it. That shift of energy from “I AM bad” to “I AM good” is all you are going for. If you can’t stop and write when bad feelings are rushing at you, then do what you can to distract yourself.
Imagine talking to your favorite teacher from the seventh grade who offered you some guidance or reassurance. If you don’t have a favorite teacher (parent, uncle, or neighbor) who used to make you feel accepted and treated you with respect, then make one up!
In time, all you’ll have to say to yourself is, “I’m not going to feel bad about this. I am going to be fine about this right now and for the rest of the day anyway.” It’s been said that we spend our adult years trying to get over our childhoods. But that’s not good enough for a conscious creator. To get what you want you have to outgrow your past and intentionally and continuously create your future.
Choosing to be gentle with yourself instead of beating yourself up is a big step in that direction. You are part of God and you are here to expand The Universe. There is nothing to judge and nothing to regret. So stop beating yourself up and let the good stuff in.
Now, hand over that stick!
This is just something to think about.
December 09 2009 | Other Useful Articles and P3 Circles of Life and Power Boost: December 2009 and Your Emotional Self and Your Spiritual Self | No Comments »
By Kori Rodley Irons
Parents often complain that during the holiday season, the focus for their kids seems to be on “getting” - asking and receiving an abundance of gifts and treats. Everywhere they go, people ask them what the “want.” For many parents, all this wanting can get to be too much. Here are some suggestions for injecting a little “giving” into your little one’s holiday season and introducing your child to the joys of philanthropy.
One year, when my three nearly-grown kids were all still in elementary school, I told them one morning over breakfast that we were going to do a family project for the holidays. I told them I was going to give the three of them $100 to donate to charity and they got to decide how and to whom to give it. I explained that they could give it all to one agency if they all agreed, or they could split it up three ways and each manage their own $33, or they could decide to give some to various organizations. I told them I would put all the mail appeals we got in one basket and they could look them over. And, they were free to just decide on a cause (like feeding the poor) if they didn’t know which agency was working on that cause.
$100 felt like a lot of money to them to be in control over and they all three got into the project. In the end, they brought about 5 or 6 organizations and causes to the table and we took a vote on who and how much. It was a great way for them to find out more about what charitable organizations were doing in our community and take some of the holiday focus off getting and onto giving.
Some families choose to adopt a family who is less fortunate for the holiday season - looking for a family with a child or children close in age to their own. This is another great way to encourage a child to experience an act of charity. Other families I know choose to do something for animals - they spend a day walking dogs at the shelter, or put together a basket of necessities and treats for the animals awaiting homes. Still other families may choose to become involved with seniors this time of year. When I was a girl, our family used to make visits to the local nursing home during the holiday season. I must admit it was a rather reciprocal experience for me as the residents would fuss and fawn over me more than I was able to visit or play cards with them!
Collecting food for the local food pantry or even helping fill boxes and stock shelves can be a great experience for kids. Keep in mind, however, that this time of year many people think about becoming involved with charitable concerns and there may not be need for your efforts. Making arrangements to help at a time of year when they really do need you, or becoming involved as a family on a regular basis may be a much more helpful way to contribute.
I also know one family who gives a gift of a book to the local library each holiday and the children have been involved with choosing the book each year. This would be a wonderful way to support a local school, neighborhood branch or a city library. Some libraries keep a list of books they are planning to purchase and you can choose one, or perhaps a musically minded family would like to donate CDs to the library’s collection. Computer games, periodical subscriptions and DVDs of movies or programs may also be appreciated by your library.
As you look around your community and think of ways you can become more charitably involved during the holiday season, keep in mind your child’s age and interests. A cause more closely in line with your child’s own concerns will be more likely to leave a lasting favorable impression. Expressing a “giving spirit” during the hectic festive season is a wonderful way to create a lasting family tradition.
Kori Rodley Irons is a freelance writer, public relations and nonprofit management specialist living in the Pacific Northwest.
December 09 2009 | Motherhood & Family Life and Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: December 2009 | No Comments »
