Archive for the 'Power Boost: August 2009' Category
By Joyce Ryan
Bouncing back from rejection can be tough, especially when the reasons are not always clear. Many people have self-esteem or guilt issues that make them assume they are at fault for the rejection. Here are a few tips to help build resiliency and bounce back quicker from rejections.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #1: Not all rejections are personal
Most rejections in adult life are not based on you personally. Often there is a self-blame reflex carried over from childhood, when the reasons for popularity can be so arbitrary. In grade school, it is actually possible that one will be excluded from the "in crowd" just for wearing glasses or being overweight. However, this is not a very likely reason for rejections later in life, like getting passed over for a promotion at work.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #2: Learn the real reasons behind the rejection
Finding out the actual reasons for the rejection helps you not see it as personal. If the boss explains that the promotion was based on seniority and the other person had been employed for twice as long, it makes it much easier to understand why the decision was made.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #3: Learn from the experience
Approach rejection as a learning opportunity, not a sign that you are a total failure as a person. Everyone is a work in progress. Nobody is a finished product until they take their last breath. Unfortunately, many people stop their progress by assigning a final label like "loser" or "failure" in the middle of their life. You are only a failure when you stop getting back up for another try. In step #2, you learned the reasons for the rejection. Take those reasons as lessons on what you may be able to improve for the next job or relationship.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #4: Face the feelings
Do not avoid the painful feelings that come along with rejection. Rejection still hurts, even when you know it wasn’t personal and that you could not have stopped it. Nobody likes missing out on that great job or being dumped by their significant other. Hiding the feelings and pretending nothing is wrong prevents you from healing and moving on with your life. You can get trapped in a cycle of fear, being afraid to take another risk because you cannot handle the feelings that may come if you are rejected. Be honest with yourself (and others, if they are supportive) about how you feel and let yourself have some downtime to feel sad or worried before you get back up to try again.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #5: Get back up and try again
Of course, you do have to try again. Rejection is painful, but it is also a part of everyday life. Very few rewards can be gained without taking a risk first. Learning how to bounce back from rejection and build resiliency from the experience is crucial to successfully adapting to all that life can throw at you.
Friendless
By Karyn L. Beach
I used to have a very bad habit of beating myself up. If I didn’t meet a goal I’d set for myself or if I didn’t perform as well as I had hoped, the negative voices would start in on me. “Goodness! And people actually think you’re smart.” “You can’t do any better than that?” “Just look at you!”
Most bad habits we acquire have a positive root. Someone started drinking or smoking because it calmed them down. A rage-aholic got an immediate release and pressure reduction from blowing their top. Maybe they even got attention or maybe they noticed that people acquiesced to them out of fear.
The trouble is that the ‘positive’ benefit is quickly outweighed by the negative effects. The drinking gets out of hand and the smoking has nasty physiological side effects. The outburst of anger ruin relationships. For me, negative self-talk started as a motivator – a way to push myself but quickly it got out of control and the negativity of it soon took over.
Then, I was talking to a friend after a particularly bad day and she said something remarkable. She said something that literally changed my life. She said, “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you wouldn’t have any friends.”
Wow.
She was right. I go out of my way to be positive and kind to my friends, co-workers … and even strangers, but I was unable to extend that same basic courtesy and kindness to myself.
It was at that point that I started really observing how I talked to myself. It was shocking and I knew it had to change. So when the negative self-talk would start, I’d start talking back. “No, I’m not an idiot.” “I made a mistake, these things happen.”
On several occasions, I even broke out the pen and the pad and wrote out what I liked about myself or all the reasons why I wasn’t an idiot. And it took some time but it began to work.
I can’t say that I never have a negative thought or that I never throw myself a good old fashioned pity party, but it happens now a lot less frequently and when it does happen it doesn’t happen for as long.
July 23 2009 | Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: August 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
By Christiana Casey
Hope is not merely wishful thinking; it is much more than that. Hope is knowing and strongly believing that though one is in a desperate situation, things will improve. This faith and optimism has helped individuals gather enough courage to get through the day throughout history. In fact, hope was personified in Greek mythology as Elpis, and when Pandora opened Pandora’s box, she let out all the evils except one: hope.
The ancient Greeks considered hope to be as dangerous as all the world’s evils, but without hope to accompany all their troubles, humanity was filled with despair. It was a great relief when Pandora revisited her box and let out hope as well. In today’s world, however, hope remains strong on the list of human needs. It is like a single candle in a dark hallway, it gives off just enough light to continue on and find the way out of the darkness. This light of hope burns so strongly in the hearts of some, that it is all they need to keep on living. Hope is not resignation; it is motivation and the foundation to build one’s life upon.
As Oscar Romero once said, "Hope is not resignation; it is a commitment to continue to struggle." Therefore, hope creates endurance and strength in a person. Otherwise he or she is simply sitting back and wishing away his or her life. This is not the way to live! One must take action and decide what will become of their life. Take, for example, Chuck Noland in the film Cast Away . Chuck is stranded on a deserted island for many years after having survived a terrible plane crash. He could give up, but he goes on living by hunting his own food, finding shelter, and eventually, building a raft to escape. Luckily for him, he is saved and can once again find safety in his own home.
Like Chuck Noland, many others rely on hope in order to continue their lives. For example, the great Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving. You lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today, I still have a dream." Those truly inspirational words are essential in a time when it is hard to keep one going. In addition, Martin Luther King Jr. also stated, "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." This is an amazingly powerful statement. In life there will be many failures, but without hope, there will never be a single achievement. Therefore, hope is a necessary component of every day life.
Hope is always the foundation to build one’s life upon. If one has hope, he or she can go on in times of trouble, can be motivated to do the best possible, and can overcome the pain that surrounds him or her. It is like that little saying goes, "Never say never." One should never give up and never think that a goal or aspiration that he or she has is impossible or too hard to attain. If everyone thought that the goals that they had set in life were too difficult, there wouldn’t be any of the great inventions today, and this world would be a much different place. Hence, hope will always be the "road map" to life. It will be one’s guide on his or her path to happiness.
All in all, without hope, humanity would have a complete lack of motivation and would cease to exist. Therefore, one should base his or her life around the concept of hope. Hope is never giving up; it is moving on with one’s life. After all, as the Arabian proverb says, "He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything."
July 23 2009 | Life & Vision Coaching and Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: August 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
By Jan Wright
Anger is a natural emotion. For most people, it is not desirable to be angry and it is not desirable to anger the person whom you are in a relationship with. But, it is an essential ingredient in relationship building. Now, I know that many would disagree with me, however, when you look at anger, it can help in understanding a person and their relationship. Everyone gets angry at some point in their relationship. As I have stated before, anger is inevitable. The root of anger is hurt and insecurity. Knowing this before you get angry and before you anger someone else, you can better understand when you and they are angry. Although there is a display of anger, the deeper emotion is fear and insecurity. The trick is to try to understand this fear and insecurity while minimizing the outward signs of anger and the effects that these signs have on the other person in the relationship. Anger, in itself, is not the problem; it is what you do when you feel anger and how you learn to resolve it.
The expression of anger is what breeds discontent in a relationship. Losing your temper is characterized by saying or doing harmful things that you would not normally do if you were not angry. It is important for people to take note of themselves. When you feel your frustration rising, find a place to calm down and look at the situation as objectively as possible. You might say to yourself: "I know that I feel like (throwing something) or (giving her a piece of my mind) or (just quitting my job), but what should I do? I find that writing helps get the array of felt feelings out of my system. When writing takes place, these feelings can help you arrange your thoughts so that you can profess them more clearly and confidently. some people use a physical activity such as walking or even driving to help them sort their feelings and thoughts when they have experienced an overwhelming surge of anger.
Evaluate if there is any step that you can take to better the situation. I am not advocating passivity and ignoring your anger in despair. This never works. It is a good idea to address your anger and feelings. But, sometimes, you should wait until you have an understanding of what you really want to say and do and can relate those things in a nonthreatening and effective way. Let’s say that your partner is angry with you because you forgot your anniversary. your partner was home making dinner and preparing for a special romantic evening. You were working late. When you come in the door, your partner is visibly angry. your partner hurls accusations and displays body language that tells you that he/she is angry. You are instantly put on the defensive. Is your partner overreacting? Maybe. People who deal with these anger issues believe the more anger that is displayed, the more likely the other person will understand the seriousness of the situation. When people overreact, they do it for a variety of reasons.
1. They just need to vent before they can discuss things rationally.
2. It is a manipulative tactic to get another person to behave in a certain way.
3. They feel that they have to overreact to get a sympathetic response.
If your mate does overreact, he/she might just be venting. It is important for your partner to say: "I just want to vent, don’t take this personally." They should have a timeframe for venting and then, calm down so that they can discuss the situation rationally. Instead of just saying: "I am angry with you for forgetting our Anniversary." Your partner might say: "It hurts when you forget our anniversary because I feel like our special days are not important to you. If our special days are not important to you, then, I might not be either." This allows you to respond to your partner’s fears and not the anger.
There are those who, because their feelings are hurt, want to hurt someone else’s feelings. This is a truly toxic cycle for a relationship. It is a selfish way to deal with one’s anger. Sometimes people who are quite argumentative and/or controlling exhibit some of these characteristics. To prevent one from hurting the feelings of others, the person must ask him/herself about the agenda and goals of their discussion. They also must try to step out of their high levels of emotion and ask themselves about their deeper feelings.
The person who hides their anger is, in effect, stating that they don’t believe that their partner can understand or handle their hurt feelings. Thus, they make an attempt to either conceal or disguise their anger. This person is afraid of how you might respond if you knew that they were angry. Maybe they are afraid that you will either explode, invalidate their feelings or somehow make them feel guilty for being angry. sometimes, they don’t feel comfortable displaying their emotions, yet expect their partner to have instant knowledge of their feelings and the source of them. This is problematic, at best. Usually the partner who is not angry, has no clue as to the source. They might not even be sure that their partner is angry. An open display of emotion tells your partner that you are comfortable enough to show your vulnerabilities. Thus, it is a good idea to express your anger.
Some people just do not know how to express their anger in a way that elaborates on how they feel without condemning the other person. If you know a person who has a difficult time either identifying or expressing their feelings, then, you need to be patient and give them plenty of time to figure things out. Just as the overly expressive person needs time to vent, the person at the opposite end of the spectrum needs some time alone to deal with their feelings. It is best to set a timeframe and agree to discuss the issue after that timeframe has been reached.
Sometimes, not expressing your anger is a manipulative tactic. Your partner most often knows that you are angry. they just are not sure about the context and who is actually involved in this. Your partner is reduced to giving you large amounts of attention: which, by the way, does feel good, and must resort to playing the guessing game. Sometimes couples never actually get to the issue at hand. It is a manipulative tactic because passively you are getting your partner to shower attention and sometimes other gifts upon you to keep you happy which will alleviate your anger — an anger that they don’t even know the origin of or how to prevent it.
Sometimes, when people are angry, they bring up past indiscretions. You must ascertain whether the person is trying to gather more fodder to hurt your feelings or whether they did not truly accept the resolution when you discussed it last. If they are still hurt from a previous incident, then, that should be discussed separately. That should be dealt with before the current situation can be resolved. It is not healthy to continue to bring up past experiences. This just leads to wounds that will never heal and unnecessary drama. It is better for the both of you to stick to the issue at hand.
Anger, when not handled properly, can exacerbate the underlying issues that challenge your relationship. Since it is not the anger, in itself, but the way that it is expressed, then, the difficulty in expressing it is a symptom of other relational issues. For example, if your partner has a hard time controlling his/her expression of anger, he/she might also have a difficult time controlling other facets of his/her life. If the person tries to manipulate through anger, then it is likely that he/she is manipulative in other parts of your relationship. Thus, the way that people express their anger and their willingness to change will tell you lots about your relationship in other areas. Understanding how one handles their emotions will also let you evaluate your compatibility.
Let’s say that both of you realize your particular styles of emotional expression and decide that you will both make attempts to express and receive your partner’s emotions in a nonthreatening way. Often, It is difficult to communicate honestly and openly when one is angry. Usually feelings are at high levels and logic is at low levels. Set some guidelines and boundaries with your partner and agree to follow them. It is important to give your partner the space to examine their emotions and a safe place for them to express them. A safe place includes the ability to listen to your partner’s feelings without responding defensively.
After you and your partner have discussed the matter, try to come to a conclusion. It is best to bring some kind of closure to the subject. Maybe there is no solution. Maybe the angry person just needs comfort and reassurance. Find out what your partner needs from you. When you have finished with the conversation, make an agreement not to bring up the subject again when anger is present. This is quite applicable if you are the one who has angered your partner.
Following good guidelines of communication can eliminate issues of anger in a relationship. It is important to share an array of emotions with your partner. Your partner can better understand you if you are able to express to them both joy and anger. That leads to better intimacy which leads to a better relationship. However, remember that your partner wants to share in your joy and comfort you in your anger. when both of you can work toward a common goal, you will strengthen your relationship.
July 23 2009 | Love, Romance & Intimacy and Power Boost: August 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
By Karyn L. Beach
I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier today and she was riding high on a wave of confidence. Over the weekend, she overcame a major fear. She’d been taking swimming lessons with her son and during her last lesson, she told her instructor that she wanted to jump off the diving board.
Diving was something she had never tried, in fact, the idea of just swimming in the deep end scared her. Yet, before she knew it, she was standing on the board looking down into 11.5 feet of water. Then she did it. She literally ‘took the plunge’.
She dove in and when she came back up, she did it again and then one more time after that.
Two days later at church, she got a ton of compliments on how good she looked. She called me today and told me with pride how she aced an interview she went on.
I could hear the confidence in her voice. She talked about her good couple of days and I pointed out to her that it wasn’t luck. It was her own doing. She took the plunge and overcame a major fear. It was that pride and that confidence that her fellow churchgoers saw beaming from her. That confidence and those compliments as well as all the hard work and effort she’s put into her job search, fueled her interview.
What she is experiencing is a positive domino effect.
Most people see a domino effect as a negative - one bad thing happens and then another and another. But it works in the positive as well. One good thing can lead to another good thing and another good thing after that.
My friend has a lot to be proud of because she took control of her situation. She didn’t have to jump into the deep end but she did. She could have let the frustration of a protracted job search get to her, but she plugs away everyday always looking for new opportunities and ways to improve her portfolio, her resume and her job search techniques.
The hard work is starting to pay off and as all of these good dominoes start to fall, I can’t wait to see what is in store for her next!
July 23 2009 | Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: August 2009 | No Comments »
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