The Upside of Anger: How It Fits in a Relationship

By Jan Wright

Anger is a natural emotion. For most people, it is not desirable to be angry and it is not desirable to anger the person whom you are in a relationship with. But, it is an essential ingredient in relationship building. Now, I know that many would disagree with me, however, when you look at anger, it can help in understanding a person and their relationship. Everyone gets angry at some point in their relationship. As I have stated before, anger is inevitable. The root of anger is hurt and insecurity. Knowing this before you get angry and before you anger someone else, you can better understand when you and they are angry. Although there is a display of anger, the deeper emotion is fear and insecurity. The trick is to try to understand this fear and insecurity while minimizing the outward signs of anger and the effects that these signs have on the other person in the relationship. Anger, in itself, is not the problem; it is what you do when you feel anger and how you learn to resolve it.

The expression of anger is what breeds discontent in a relationship. Losing your temper is characterized by saying or doing harmful things that you would not normally do if you were not angry. It is important for people to take note of themselves. When you feel your frustration rising, find a place to calm down and look at the situation as objectively as possible. You might say to yourself: "I know that I feel like (throwing something) or (giving her a piece of my mind) or (just quitting my job), but what should I do? I find that writing helps get the array of felt feelings out of my system. When writing takes place, these feelings can help you arrange your thoughts so that you can profess them more clearly and confidently. some people use a physical activity such as walking or even driving to help them sort their feelings and thoughts when they have experienced an overwhelming surge of anger.

Evaluate if there is any step that you can take to better the situation. I am not advocating passivity and ignoring your anger in despair. This never works. It is a good idea to address your anger and feelings. But, sometimes, you should wait until you have an understanding of what you really want to say and do and can relate those things in a nonthreatening and effective way. Let’s say that your partner is angry with you because you forgot your anniversary. your partner was home making dinner and preparing for a special romantic evening. You were working late. When you come in the door, your partner is visibly angry. your partner hurls accusations and displays body language that tells you that he/she is angry. You are instantly put on the defensive. Is your partner overreacting? Maybe. People who deal with these anger issues believe the more anger that is displayed, the more likely the other person will understand the seriousness of the situation. When people overreact, they do it for a variety of reasons.

1. They just need to vent before they can discuss things rationally.

2. It is a manipulative tactic to get another person to behave in a certain way.

3. They feel that they have to overreact to get a sympathetic response.

If your mate does overreact, he/she might just be venting. It is important for your partner to say: "I just want to vent, don’t take this personally." They should have a timeframe for venting and then, calm down so that they can discuss the situation rationally. Instead of just saying: "I am angry with you for forgetting our Anniversary." Your partner might say: "It hurts when you forget our anniversary because I feel like our special days are not important to you. If our special days are not important to you, then, I might not be either." This allows you to respond to your partner’s fears and not the anger.

There are those who, because their feelings are hurt, want to hurt someone else’s feelings. This is a truly toxic cycle for a relationship. It is a selfish way to deal with one’s anger. Sometimes people who are quite argumentative and/or controlling exhibit some of these characteristics. To prevent one from hurting the feelings of others, the person must ask him/herself about the agenda and goals of their discussion. They also must try to step out of their high levels of emotion and ask themselves about their deeper feelings.

The person who hides their anger is, in effect, stating that they don’t believe that their partner can understand or handle their hurt feelings. Thus, they make an attempt to either conceal or disguise their anger. This person is afraid of how you might respond if you knew that they were angry. Maybe they are afraid that you will either explode, invalidate their feelings or somehow make them feel guilty for being angry. sometimes, they don’t feel comfortable displaying their emotions, yet expect their partner to have instant knowledge of their feelings and the source of them. This is problematic, at best. Usually the partner who is not angry, has no clue as to the source. They might not even be sure that their partner is angry. An open display of emotion tells your partner that you are comfortable enough to show your vulnerabilities. Thus, it is a good idea to express your anger.

Some people just do not know how to express their anger in a way that elaborates on how they feel without condemning the other person. If you know a person who has a difficult time either identifying or expressing their feelings, then, you need to be patient and give them plenty of time to figure things out. Just as the overly expressive person needs time to vent, the person at the opposite end of the spectrum needs some time alone to deal with their feelings. It is best to set a timeframe and agree to discuss the issue after that timeframe has been reached.

Sometimes, not expressing your anger is a manipulative tactic. Your partner most often knows that you are angry. they just are not sure about the context and who is actually involved in this. Your partner is reduced to giving you large amounts of attention: which, by the way, does feel good, and must resort to playing the guessing game. Sometimes couples never actually get to the issue at hand. It is a manipulative tactic because passively you are getting your partner to shower attention and sometimes other gifts upon you to keep you happy which will alleviate your anger — an anger that they don’t even know the origin of or how to prevent it.

Sometimes, when people are angry, they bring up past indiscretions. You must ascertain whether the person is trying to gather more fodder to hurt your feelings or whether they did not truly accept the resolution when you discussed it last. If they are still hurt from a previous incident, then, that should be discussed separately. That should be dealt with before the current situation can be resolved. It is not healthy to continue to bring up past experiences. This just leads to wounds that will never heal and unnecessary drama. It is better for the both of you to stick to the issue at hand.

Anger, when not handled properly, can exacerbate the underlying issues that challenge your relationship. Since it is not the anger, in itself, but the way that it is expressed, then, the difficulty in expressing it is a symptom of other relational issues. For example, if your partner has a hard time controlling his/her expression of anger, he/she might also have a difficult time controlling other facets of his/her life. If the person tries to manipulate through anger, then it is likely that he/she is manipulative in other parts of your relationship. Thus, the way that people express their anger and their willingness to change will tell you lots about your relationship in other areas. Understanding how one handles their emotions will also let you evaluate your compatibility.

Let’s say that both of you realize your particular styles of emotional expression and decide that you will both make attempts to express and receive your partner’s emotions in a nonthreatening way. Often, It is difficult to communicate honestly and openly when one is angry. Usually feelings are at high levels and logic is at low levels. Set some guidelines and boundaries with your partner and agree to follow them. It is important to give your partner the space to examine their emotions and a safe place for them to express them. A safe place includes the ability to listen to your partner’s feelings without responding defensively.

After you and your partner have discussed the matter, try to come to a conclusion. It is best to bring some kind of closure to the subject. Maybe there is no solution. Maybe the angry person just needs comfort and reassurance. Find out what your partner needs from you. When you have finished with the conversation, make an agreement not to bring up the subject again when anger is present. This is quite applicable if you are the one who has angered your partner.

Following good guidelines of communication can eliminate issues of anger in a relationship. It is important to share an array of emotions with your partner. Your partner can better understand you if you are able to express to them both joy and anger. That leads to better intimacy which leads to a better relationship. However, remember that your partner wants to share in your joy and comfort you in your anger. when both of you can work toward a common goal, you will strengthen your relationship.

July 23 2009 | Love, Romance & Intimacy and Power Boost: August 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »

Our Cover: P3, The Italian Way

By Lisa Thomas

As I stood on the streets in Milan, Italy, I witnessed a number of incidences. First, a woman reached over and touched what appeared to be a friend on her shoulders and blew kisses in the air to her left and then to her right. Just a few steps away from the women was a peaceful-looking gentleman sitting in the company of a beautiful woman. His flowing Italian words put a smile on her face – one he couldn’t help but radiate back at her. And, a few steps from him, a young gentlemen (who looked to be about 15) was enjoying what appeared to be an Italian version of a Bud Light with lime. He was savoring every sip. All of this occurring in a big opening outside of a restaurant where more people were sitting, enjoying a meal at, experiencing a fine wine or, sipping a cup of coffee.

These people appeared to be relaxed, calm and very much conscious of their quality of life. Quite the free spirits, I’d say. As I walked a bit further down the street and through a park, I saw a young man lying on a park bench taking a nap. In the grass was a woman with a sundress reading a book. Under a big beautiful tree, there were three young ladies having a sandwich while a couple nearby were engaged in a passionate kiss.

Life seemed so enjoyable for everyone. The emphasis was on being present, in the moment, just enjoying the company of others and the quality of life. I was awe of the beautiful country already but the people and their warm spirits captivated my heart.

Later during my stay, my sister and I met a woman from Columbia, South America who spoke English. She spotted us saw us fumbling our way through the grocery store. She stopped and shared an Italian secret which both surprised us and allowed us to experience grocery shopping and food in Italy like most never will.

Her name was Marina Sanchez, and she was a member of a group called the Benvenuto Club of Milan. It’s a nonprofit organization of English speaking women who live in Italy. We had the pleasure of spending the next day with them and visiting Bellagio. Quickly we found ourselves becoming good friends with the many of these incredible Milanese women. I later met the President of the Club, Sandhya Gupta.

I’ll share the secret we learned in the grocery store later and more about my overall trip but for now, I want to introduce you to Sandhya Gupta, one of the world’s greatest hidden P3 Pearls. I know hearing her story will inspire all of you to live a more fulfilling life of Power, Passion and Purpose. She’s a woman of grace who exudes power through her poise and humbling demeanor. Who knew all of these attributes could live in such an extraordinary leader?

Imagine finding yourself in a different culture with people surrounded by people who have a different way of living and sometimes even a different philosophy of life. That’s the thought I had in my mind as I watched those two ladies share a tender greeting, the man speaking Italian to his lover and the couple kissing in the park. I wondered what would life be like if I suddenly lived in a foreign land where I knew no one. How would I cope?

How would blend in and still stay true to who I am? Sandhya is our very testament to remaining grounded in a foreign land. And how despite cultural differences the cornerstones of friendship and womanhood remain.

She opens up about living in India, the US and ultimately Italy. She shares the secret to experiencing an easy life no matter what culture you find yourself in.

She unlocks the doors to what she knows for sure and the best advice for any leader desiring to empower a team.

Sit back and enjoy the great message from Sandhya Gutpa of Milan, Italy.

July 02 2009 | Cover Story Interviews and P3 Circles of Life and Power Boost: July 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »

Coping with the Recession

By Richard Morgan

The way that it’s standing right now, it looks like the recession is not going away any time soon. Back when it was first announced, many experts said that it would be around the middle of 2009 before we started to see a recovery, but now that the news has been examined and analyzed, it turns out that it’s going to probably be well into 2010 before we see any signs of a definite recovery.

That means that we’re going to have to learn how to cope with what’s ahead.

First and foremost, understand that the worst thing that you can do is give in to despair. When all that you hear is bad news, when every time that you turn on the television gives you nothing but horrific news, understand that the media’s job is to get people to turn them on - and nothing gets people worked up like bad news.

That means that when you find yourself sinking into a pit of despair, you need to take a deep breath and look at things with a realistic eye. If you’re like most people, you’ll find that you’ve probably got a good reason to have realistic hope in your life.

Next, assess your situation. Forget about how everyone else’s life looks. Concentrate on your own circumstances. Just because you know three people who got laid off doesn’t mean that you’re going to be laid off next. So, take a good, hard look at where you are and see if you can’t work on ways to better strengthen your situation.

After you’ve assessed your situation, sit down and come up with a roadmap for future directions. This is the planning stage of coping with the recession. What it means is that you’ll want to really concentrate on how to best handle your circumstances. Make sure that you don’t do anything drastic in reaction to the economic downturn. Too often, people don’t put enough thought into the planning stage and fail to take into account all of the various factors that need to be examined.

After planning for your future, take a good look around and see if there aren’t any support networks that you can use. Too often, people find themselves overwhelmed by situations and rather than looking to others for help and advice, they try to handle it on their own - and many times, they are crushed under the weight of dealing with things alone.

When it comes to a recession, none of us are truly alone in the mess.

Lastly, take the time to recover from where you’re at. The recession is going to end, and when it does, it’s okay to take some time off and decompress. You’ll probably have been under a tremendous strain, and the last thing you need to do is jump right back into action when the time comes. Instead, take a little breather and then slowly work your way back to where you need to be.

Yes, this recession is going to be tough and it’s going to be hard on you, but remember that it will pass - and that you’ll come out stronger than when you went in.

July 02 2009 | Other Useful Articles and P3 Circles of Life and Power Boost: July 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »

Notes from the Editor: The Other Path

By Karyn L. Beach

I don’t have many regrets. But, I did have one pretty big one, one that had followed me for almost two decades … and then something amazing happened. It went away. Yes. It did. Just like that! I always wondered what would have happened if I would have made the decision to just stay in Cleveland. I could have married my college sweetheart and had a couple of kids. When I would see women who had that kind of domestic setting, I would feel tugs of envy and tinges of regret. "Maybe, I should have…" I would say to myself. Christmas before last, I went home for a visit. While hanging out with a good friend, we made a stop by her sister’s house. Her sister had it all - the hubby and the nice home and the beautiful kids. She was exactly the kind of woman that sparked those tugs and tinges within me. I asked her how she’d been because we hadn’t seen each other in quite a while (years). And she talked about the husband and the kids and the job and she seemed truly happy. And, I was truly happy for her. As we prepared to leave, I had an epiphany. In that moment, I realized, that if her life had been my life, I would have spent years in quiet desperation. I would not have been happy. I probably would have driven myself crazy! I realized that the road frequently traveled wasn’t the road for me. I’d been on the right path - my path - all along. I thought about all the amazing things I’d seen and done and the insane variety of people I’ve met that never would have been possible living day-to-day in a suburb of Cleveland. Yes, I still want the hubby and the kid (not plural!) but I need to have that in my own way in my own time. At that moment, I literally felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders and I knew that I would never again feel those same tugs and tinges. I can appreciate someone else’s path without wishing it were my own.

May 18 2009 | Power Boost: June 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »

Cover Story: Patricia Varley - Reinventing Success

It was a quiet sunny day one windy Friday afternoon when Patricia Varley and I had a chance to sit and chat. Patricia is such a strong leader who embraces the feminine woman within her. Patricia took me on a journey of her transformation into the international speaker, Business Coach and author she is today. I can see why Women and Self Leadership would be one of the many topics she speaks about internationally.

I was particularly fascinated by Patricia when I met her because of her ability to look within to find answers. She  doesn’t shy away from breaking through barriers for what’s available on the other side of the breakthrough. Most say they find courage to do something but not Patricia. She explains the power of courage and how courage finds it way to you if you allow it.

Patricia’s journey has led her to bring together all of her past education and talents to the present for the highest and greatest good for all. You’ll hear how she’s expanding the world’s view of spirituality in the workplace.

Patricia is more than amazing. She’s incredibly talented and brings a unique way of looking at life spiritually and emotionally.

I invite you to sit back and enjoy Patricia share the powerful gems with you. Hear her favorite quotes and what she knows for sure. And join us on April 14th when she facilitates a teleclass on Women and Self Leadership.

April 03 2009 | Cover Story Interviews and Power Boost: April 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »