By Rev. Diannia Baty
You can only attract the people, things, and events that match the quality and intensity of your beliefs about yourself. That’s why being gentle with yourself is a pre-requisite for conscious creators. You can visualize and affirm all you want, but if in your heart you aren’t worthy, you aren’t receiving.
If you want to let the good stuff in, stop beating yourself up no matter what.
Criticizing yourself, beating yourself up, feeling sorry for yourself, and being disappointed in your own behavior is not virtuous, honorable, or productive in any way. If you do it on a regular basis, you’ve been taught to believe that negative feedback is an effective way to motivate change.
That kind of thinking was taught to you by those who didn’t know any better than to make you feel worse so they could feel better. They did their job well because you sub-consciously believe that if you can make yourself feel bad enough, you’ll do better.
Fortunately, that’s not how it works. Negative feedback creates avoidance behavior, not inspired behavior. Otherwise, the only way we can be successful is by not making ourselves miserable!
Self criticism is a primal form of invalidation, and humans need validation at the most primal level in order to thrive. Decision making, creative thinking, intuition, and higher comprehension are most efficient when the self feels good about itself.
Getting upset with yourself has devastating effects on your self esteem. it creates enormous resentment, resistance, frustration, and jealousy that causes you to
sabotage your own best efforts. It fills you with stress hormones and inhibits your creativity. It sucks the energy right out of you and it feels bad. Self criticism is self defeating.
Biologically, criticism sends a danger signal to your nervous system that puts you into “fight or flight” mode just as effectively as a bear chasing you through the woods. While the situation with the bear will resolve itself rather quickly, emotional stress and trauma goes on and on.
During “flight or flight” mode, your body slows down cellular growth and repair, digestive and immunity functions, and higher cognitive processes in order to give priority to the mid-brain, glands, and muscles that help you run faster and climb higher to escape
the bear. No wonder our shoulders hurt and our legs are restless when we can’t climb a tree to escape the danger!
Self criticism actually makes you sick. You can’t focus, relax, digest, sleep, or shift your energy as well as you can as when you feel good about yourself. That’s why choosing to feel good about yourself, no matter what, is the most important Practice you can undertake. It also requires the most courage!
A Brief Criticism of Criticism
Authority figures love to use criticism to disarm their enemies and control people. Whoever the authorities are for you, if you criticize yourself, you have learned to
do the work for them. Your energy, enthusiasm, attractiveness, joyfulness, intelligence, sensuality, sense of humor— whatever—is no longer a threat to them because they have conditioned you to need them to tell you if you are worthy or not. They pulled your plug, and most of the good stuff you do manage to attract goes down the drain because you don’t believe you have suffered or sacrificed enough to deserve it.
But take heart. If you beat yourself up for any reason, if you criticize and second guess yourself to the point of distraction, if you are depressed because things aren’t working out for you, it’s ok. It’s not your fault.
None of it is your fault. Start concentrating on all your good qualities. There are more of them than you realize. They are just buried under all yourself doubt.
If you want to make a real and lasting change in how you feel, you’ve got to turn off the self criticism and pity and choose to be gentle with yourself. And every time you do it you will be one step closer to matching the energy of your desires and attracting what you want.
This one change in your behavior, practiced consistently, will make the biggest improvement in the quality of your life-hands down, forward and backward, inside and out. I can’t say it enough!
You must be able to validate yourself if you want to thrive in a physical reality where people and things are constantly changing. Needing others to validate you is exhausting and it never works for very long.
You have to see yourself as worthy of what you want, by virtue of who you are, before you can have what you want. It is also self defeating to need validation from someone that you know will never give it. If you go to someone who puts you down and criticizes you every time you share something with them, then you just handed them the stick to beat you up again. I guess your arm is getting tired.
You may not realize it but airplanes are usually off course throughout their flights, yet they land at the right airport because the pilot (or auto-pilot) constantly corrects for drift. That’s what you have to shoot for—correcting your drift when your emotions tell you that you are off course so that you can land in an “I AM feeling good” airport.
When you are trying hard but miss the mark, remember that professional baseball players miss the ball most of the time, not to mention that great golfers usually hit above par. It’s the cumulative effect that pays dividends. You have to keep at it.
If, for example, you criticize yourself for smoking again after quitting five times, you will continue to repeat that pattern. But if you celebrate your good intentions and continue to believe that eventually you will quit for good, you will. If you give yourself permission to believe in yourself, even if you haven’t changed your behavior yet, you will stop beating yourself up as often.
Just this tiny bit of emotional relief, enjoyed every time you choose to land at the “I AM feeling good” airport instead of kicking yourself in the head, will build your self esteem and increase your chances to voluntarily and enthusiastically-change your behavior. Most importantly,you will expand your capacity for change.
Whoever taught you to feel bad about yourself, what they did to you and why they did it, isn’t important anymore. It was just who they were being, not who they are, so let it go and grab hold of the most important gift you can give yourself. Your life unfolds from that place inside you that either says you are worthy or you are not. “I AM Worthy” says you are letting the good stuff in, “I AM Not Worthy” says you are resisting and keeping the good stuff out.
Focus causes expansion. So focus on the fact that your Higher Self does not judge you. It is a part of you and wants you to have whatever you could possibly desire. So think of this Practice as a “get out of jail free” card.
You deserve it by virtue of who you are. Who you are being is temporary in every moment and can change as quickly as you allow it. Who you are, a part of God, never changes. Who you are being changes according to your beliefs about
yourself. Remembering this distinction is especially important when you want to be free of self-destructive behavior or addictions.
Another Thing
Wallowing in self pity can feel pretty good for a while, especially if it keeps you from having to get out there and face people. Pity parties and cluster dramas can feel like validation if others get upset with you. However, if you can work through your pain by sharing and ventilating and moving toward a constructive plan of action, more power to you!
But if cluster dramas are on your list of favorite things to do, you won’t be able to make real and lasting changes in how you feel until you break your dependency on the sympathetic energy of others. The good news is that if you aren’t beating yourself up, you won’t need their sympathy.
When you remember who you are, you know that enlightened and evolved people never sacrifice your self esteem to strengthen their own position. If someone tries to control you through complaints and criticism, remember it’s just who they are being, not who they are, and get on with your day.
Some Tips
When you start to feel bad because you…fell off the wagon, missed a deadline, forgot a meeting, didn’t exercise, said something stupid, hurt someone’s feelings, ran over a squirrel, didn’t get invited to something, spent too much money, ate fried food, or someone spat in your face—refuse to think one bad thing about yourself for any reason, no matter what you did or didn’t do.
When you calm down a bit, think about something that makes you happy for example, a good book, a pretty landscape, your grandchildren, your upcoming vacation or your best friend. If that bad feeling comes up again, stop it. Keep thinking about things that make you feel better. Over and over again, for as long as it takes.
This sounds simple but it can be really tough at first. Your old “beat yourself up” habits will surface a number of times. Just let that be OK too! The trick is not to criticize yourself about anything!!
If it seems impossible, try this until you get the feel for feeling better. Say to yourself, I am going to feel bad for one minute (or five if it’s really intense, but no longer).
After the moment of self punishment, sit down and write yourself a note about what you can do differently next time. What you are going for here is supportive, positive self coaching. Do not write about what you did wrong or how sorry you feel. None of that makes any difference because it’s over. What somebody else thinks about it doesn’t make any difference either because it’s over. They’ve probably forgotten about it by
now anyway and have gone back to dwelling on their own problems.
Write down straightforward information about what you can do differently next time. If you are worried whether or not you will do anything different next time or even convinced that you won’t, let it go. It doesn’t matter if you will or you won’t. You are just trying to diffuse the energetic connection between what happened and how you feel about yourself right now.
If there’s nothing you can do differently next time, then write about your favorite video game or something funny your friend said on the phone last night. Or write about your first kiss, or what it would feel like to win the lottery.
The point is to stop invaliding yourself and start feeling better. That’s it. That shift of energy from “I AM bad” to “I AM good” is all you are going for. If you can’t stop and write when bad feelings are rushing at you, then do what you can to distract yourself.
Imagine talking to your favorite teacher from the seventh grade who offered you some guidance or reassurance. If you don’t have a favorite teacher (parent, uncle, or neighbor) who used to make you feel accepted and treated you with respect, then make one up!
In time, all you’ll have to say to yourself is, “I’m not going to feel bad about this. I am going to be fine about this right now and for the rest of the day anyway.” It’s been said that we spend our adult years trying to get over our childhoods. But that’s not good enough for a conscious creator. To get what you want you have to outgrow your past and intentionally and continuously create your future.
Choosing to be gentle with yourself instead of beating yourself up is a big step in that direction. You are part of God and you are here to expand The Universe. There is nothing to judge and nothing to regret. So stop beating yourself up and let the good stuff in.
Now, hand over that stick!
This is just something to think about.
December 09 2009 | Other Useful Articles and P3 Circles of Life and Power Boost: December 2009 and Your Emotional Self and Your Spiritual Self | No Comments »
The holidays are here, thanksgiving has passed and now you’re getting ready to put up the tree, clean for the next big family gathering, put away all the things that would be in the way of decorations and make a list of all things that have to be done during the holidays.
Yes, the holidays are here!
The most wonderful time of the year, right? Well they can bring joy for many but for some it’s another thing to do and prepare for. Anxiety sets in on a very emotional and deep level while the joy, gratitude and fun seem to fade as your mind tries to deal with the laundry list of things to be accomplished.
Even your mood changes, the responsibilities pile up and you wonder, how am I going to make it through this holiday season.
If you find yourself wanting to escape the madness, remember to engage in these three things;
Appreciation and Gratitude - Appreciate and gratitude begin to raise the awareness level to a place of joy and love. When you genuinely appreciate another or experience a sense of gratitude for something or someone, like feels like a breath of fresh air. The subtle stressors begin to dissipate into thin air. Take some moments during the holiday season to give thanks and offer your sincere appreciation for others. Listen in on our Attitude of Gratitude segment with songstress Jackie Jones on the P3 Power Boost Radio Show as she discusses with us how to be grateful during any time of year!
Laugh – Find laughter and joy in everything. Because the responsibilities of the holidays can be stressful , we encourage you to laugh as often as possible. Laughter, liking breathing is a powerful remedy for stressful situations and conflict. It treats the mind body and spirit and begins to bring them all into alignment. In the aligning of your mind,body spirit burdens are lifted and inspiration is now at your fingertips. Laugh during the holiday season. Listen in on Marilyn Sprague Smith as she teaches you how to laugh with intention.
Tap Into Your Own Internal Power Of Choice . You have the power to choose your thoughts, your emotions and your actions. Choose how you will respond to the holiday. Some feel the pressure and obligation to buy gifts or the right gift. Some feel the obligation to put up a tree and be in the spirit of the holiday as everyone else is. Choose how to be in the holiday. Don’t let it choose you! Tap into your power to choose! Listen in on Iyanla Vanzant as she talks about tapping into your spirit - Tapping the Power Within with Iyanla Vanzant .
The holidays can be stressful but they don’t have to be!
Be your authentic self this holiday season and enjoy every moment!
Lisa Thomas, Visionary For Women…
December 09 2009 | P3 Circles of Life and Power Boost: December 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
By Lisa Thomas
A few weeks ago I was getting ready for an interview for TV and I noticed that I was a little nervous. For me that’s normal so I kind of brushed it to the side and went on to do the segment. After the interview was complete, my mind was going faster than a NASCAR at the weekend race. I couldn’t stop my brain from spinning about what had just happened. All of sudden I could hear the critical voice in my head. But My God, how did it really go? My husband called me immediately and said honey you are really good, you really should consider doing something on TV. Then a colleague called and said, WOW, you were really good. I watched it three times to make sure. You really were. Why couldn’t I hear my husband and colleague clearly?
The most dominating voice was mine still, Jesus how many people watched it? Was my hair in place? Had I said the right thing? Did the message come across? What will people think? Did I have an impact? That voice was clear so I stopped for a minute to listen more carefully. I recognized it because I’d heard it before. And while it initially sounded like mine, it was that of an old teacher when I was younger who marked my paper with red ink. I don’t remember her name, but I do remember having to go to a special class because she said I needed additional assistance in school. She gave me a pretty extensive lesson in doing things the "right way." What an impact I could’ve allowed that past moment to make. The funny thing about the voice is it was clear and it seemed very real, but there wasn’t a physical being there talking with or to me. No one was with me at the time.
Most of us think what we say about ourselves is the truth and particularly the negative things. The moment of power was when I could choose how to relate to the thoughts and opinions. I first recognized and acknowledged it was a past moment speaking as if it was relevant to the present moment. The voice was not mine nor was there any truth to the opinions being shared in the moment.
Where the power lies is in how you react or relate to your negatives thoughts about yourself or life in general.
I then chose a different path of thinking. I chose to embrace my own power, my ability to share passionately and give a message that people can embrace on or off TV. I could then really "hear" and enjoy the raving fans and the accolades being given for such a wonderful interview.
How many of you having an internal critical voice that shares opinionated views about your life whether solicited or unsolicited? How do you choose to react or relate to those thoughts? Powerfully or Helplessly? You do have a choice! What IS your choice?
The Power, Lives Within You and It’s Always Been There!
July 23 2009 | Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: August 2009 and The President's Corner and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
By Joyce Ryan
Bouncing back from rejection can be tough, especially when the reasons are not always clear. Many people have self-esteem or guilt issues that make them assume they are at fault for the rejection. Here are a few tips to help build resiliency and bounce back quicker from rejections.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #1: Not all rejections are personal
Most rejections in adult life are not based on you personally. Often there is a self-blame reflex carried over from childhood, when the reasons for popularity can be so arbitrary. In grade school, it is actually possible that one will be excluded from the "in crowd" just for wearing glasses or being overweight. However, this is not a very likely reason for rejections later in life, like getting passed over for a promotion at work.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #2: Learn the real reasons behind the rejection
Finding out the actual reasons for the rejection helps you not see it as personal. If the boss explains that the promotion was based on seniority and the other person had been employed for twice as long, it makes it much easier to understand why the decision was made.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #3: Learn from the experience
Approach rejection as a learning opportunity, not a sign that you are a total failure as a person. Everyone is a work in progress. Nobody is a finished product until they take their last breath. Unfortunately, many people stop their progress by assigning a final label like "loser" or "failure" in the middle of their life. You are only a failure when you stop getting back up for another try. In step #2, you learned the reasons for the rejection. Take those reasons as lessons on what you may be able to improve for the next job or relationship.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #4: Face the feelings
Do not avoid the painful feelings that come along with rejection. Rejection still hurts, even when you know it wasn’t personal and that you could not have stopped it. Nobody likes missing out on that great job or being dumped by their significant other. Hiding the feelings and pretending nothing is wrong prevents you from healing and moving on with your life. You can get trapped in a cycle of fear, being afraid to take another risk because you cannot handle the feelings that may come if you are rejected. Be honest with yourself (and others, if they are supportive) about how you feel and let yourself have some downtime to feel sad or worried before you get back up to try again.
Bouncing back from rejection tip #5: Get back up and try again
Of course, you do have to try again. Rejection is painful, but it is also a part of everyday life. Very few rewards can be gained without taking a risk first. Learning how to bounce back from rejection and build resiliency from the experience is crucial to successfully adapting to all that life can throw at you.
Friendless
By Karyn L. Beach
I used to have a very bad habit of beating myself up. If I didn’t meet a goal I’d set for myself or if I didn’t perform as well as I had hoped, the negative voices would start in on me. “Goodness! And people actually think you’re smart.” “You can’t do any better than that?” “Just look at you!”
Most bad habits we acquire have a positive root. Someone started drinking or smoking because it calmed them down. A rage-aholic got an immediate release and pressure reduction from blowing their top. Maybe they even got attention or maybe they noticed that people acquiesced to them out of fear.
The trouble is that the ‘positive’ benefit is quickly outweighed by the negative effects. The drinking gets out of hand and the smoking has nasty physiological side effects. The outburst of anger ruin relationships. For me, negative self-talk started as a motivator – a way to push myself but quickly it got out of control and the negativity of it soon took over.
Then, I was talking to a friend after a particularly bad day and she said something remarkable. She said something that literally changed my life. She said, “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you wouldn’t have any friends.”
Wow.
She was right. I go out of my way to be positive and kind to my friends, co-workers … and even strangers, but I was unable to extend that same basic courtesy and kindness to myself.
It was at that point that I started really observing how I talked to myself. It was shocking and I knew it had to change. So when the negative self-talk would start, I’d start talking back. “No, I’m not an idiot.” “I made a mistake, these things happen.”
On several occasions, I even broke out the pen and the pad and wrote out what I liked about myself or all the reasons why I wasn’t an idiot. And it took some time but it began to work.
I can’t say that I never have a negative thought or that I never throw myself a good old fashioned pity party, but it happens now a lot less frequently and when it does happen it doesn’t happen for as long.
July 23 2009 | Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: August 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
By Christiana Casey
Hope is not merely wishful thinking; it is much more than that. Hope is knowing and strongly believing that though one is in a desperate situation, things will improve. This faith and optimism has helped individuals gather enough courage to get through the day throughout history. In fact, hope was personified in Greek mythology as Elpis, and when Pandora opened Pandora’s box, she let out all the evils except one: hope.
The ancient Greeks considered hope to be as dangerous as all the world’s evils, but without hope to accompany all their troubles, humanity was filled with despair. It was a great relief when Pandora revisited her box and let out hope as well. In today’s world, however, hope remains strong on the list of human needs. It is like a single candle in a dark hallway, it gives off just enough light to continue on and find the way out of the darkness. This light of hope burns so strongly in the hearts of some, that it is all they need to keep on living. Hope is not resignation; it is motivation and the foundation to build one’s life upon.
As Oscar Romero once said, "Hope is not resignation; it is a commitment to continue to struggle." Therefore, hope creates endurance and strength in a person. Otherwise he or she is simply sitting back and wishing away his or her life. This is not the way to live! One must take action and decide what will become of their life. Take, for example, Chuck Noland in the film Cast Away . Chuck is stranded on a deserted island for many years after having survived a terrible plane crash. He could give up, but he goes on living by hunting his own food, finding shelter, and eventually, building a raft to escape. Luckily for him, he is saved and can once again find safety in his own home.
Like Chuck Noland, many others rely on hope in order to continue their lives. For example, the great Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving. You lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today, I still have a dream." Those truly inspirational words are essential in a time when it is hard to keep one going. In addition, Martin Luther King Jr. also stated, "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." This is an amazingly powerful statement. In life there will be many failures, but without hope, there will never be a single achievement. Therefore, hope is a necessary component of every day life.
Hope is always the foundation to build one’s life upon. If one has hope, he or she can go on in times of trouble, can be motivated to do the best possible, and can overcome the pain that surrounds him or her. It is like that little saying goes, "Never say never." One should never give up and never think that a goal or aspiration that he or she has is impossible or too hard to attain. If everyone thought that the goals that they had set in life were too difficult, there wouldn’t be any of the great inventions today, and this world would be a much different place. Hence, hope will always be the "road map" to life. It will be one’s guide on his or her path to happiness.
All in all, without hope, humanity would have a complete lack of motivation and would cease to exist. Therefore, one should base his or her life around the concept of hope. Hope is never giving up; it is moving on with one’s life. After all, as the Arabian proverb says, "He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything."
July 23 2009 | Life & Vision Coaching and Other Useful Articles and Power Boost: August 2009 and Your Emotional Self | No Comments »
